I am spending my child support on dildos
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize