I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
