why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
