So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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