Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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