I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
