I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
