I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
