Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
