I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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