The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
