he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Found your dick twin last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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