So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
