What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
