It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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