just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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