I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
