if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
