Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize