Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
