I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
