She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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