that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
