Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
