I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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