Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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