Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
