remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
