I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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