Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize