google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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