I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
