sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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