Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
