remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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