True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
