Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
