Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
