I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
