So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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