I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
