I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
