after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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