I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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