Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
