I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
