last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize