oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
