My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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