You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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