I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
