If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
