youre lurking in front of me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize