I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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