I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
