ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We got so high we made milksteak
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
