ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
