The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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